Lost Me

So from what i gather, d and i are over. He doesnt have time for my bullshit. He had a few seconds to spare and emailed it to me from his blackberry. I guess to him, im not a good investment. It just hurts alot. He is a mean and very self absorbed.
On another note, friday is a very special day for me but unfortunately, everyone had things to do, so im here alone conveniently untill saturday or sunday.
Thats ok, id rather be alone. I hope no one remembers. If he does call i wont answer. Im never speaking to him again.
All i want to do i crawl under a rock and cry forever.
He said to call him when i find myself. And tries to twist it so that it seems like i made the decision to end it, when he forced me to make that choice. No one would want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you.
One day at a time

Dearly Departed

I was just thinking that we have to hang in there....things do get really (and for some of us) really really bad, but the inportant thing is that we hang in there.
Now I see that we also have to keep in mind of the things that are of the real focus and what really makes us who we are inside. Trivial things....come and go and never really affect us as the days, months and years go by.
And the years...the weeks the days...they do go by

Everytime I talk to fd who is supposed to be my boyfriend...im in tears. But not the im-so-in-love-with-you and whats-going-wrong-with-us...kind of tears. I know in my heart...i do love him but i dont knowhow much im IN love with him. I love having him there to open up to and talk to beacuse he has been so great to me. But i know i am not giving him what i know he should be getting from me,
He is an amazing guy...but i dont know how much of that is real for me. I keek thinking hes not being honest with me so i wont let myself fall for him.
I dont know.......

Tornado Warning

I always feel so down lately. Its like, all these things keep going through my head.....all of these couldda shouldda woulddas and all of those i cant believe i did that or i said that or what did i expect.
All i try to do is the right thing.. But all I end up feeling is sorry that i did it and feeling the need to either cry or apologise.
Well to my sister, Im so sorry. I wish i can take away all of the pain and make everything better. But she will alwys hate me for who I am and thats the one thing im working so hard on trying to change. I never know the right thing to say or do. And I want to...but it never makes anyt difference because comming from me..it will never be right.
Its so sad because all i want is my sister back. To have her in my life...to talk to her. She was the only one I could have gone to and who knew me...but her resentment for me continually grew and now, I cant go back....Im too far.
I think my problem is that I live to much in the past and I need to let go of those feelings that if i try to make it better it will get better. When in reality, the more i try the worse it gets.
I love her, but she never asks how im doing. I guess i coul just die and she wont care.
None of them would.
Morbid.

Late night

So my dad and I stayed up so late talking. He really let me in on some issues i know had to be very painful....I am so deeply touched and inspired even more to be as open with people who are closest to me too.
I am so lucky to have an amazing father and to be privileged to have him talk about such personal thoughts.
Eventhoug i balled my eyes out earlier..i feel so much better......

Cherry

Here i go. My very first blog. Forgive me, I am not the best writer... and Im actually doing this just for me.

I have had the most traumatic couple of years and I've come out very wounded by everyone I have met and everyone I already knew since moving to a new place completely on my own.

After everything I have been through, I have hit a ridiculous new low emotionally and even physically, and I am just looking to start over and be happy again.

MY happiness had been taken from me and I just want it back!!!

I don't want to talk about the past here, the bad dreams will go away soon enough. Here, I want to talk about how I'm dealing with all of my fears and anxiety.

On a more positive note, I am so lucky that I have the most amazing parents who are here for me through all of this and I can look forward to their support.

Don't worry.... I'm not always this dark. But i do have alot of rage!!!

I can't seem to be able to trust anyone and I come off cold (and probably a bitch) to people. But I really need someone to talk to and not be afraid to say what's on my mind without worrying about what that person thinks of me or worse....wondering if they are really listening or tuning me out. God there's nothing worse than THAT thought popping up in my head when I'm talking and I lose my train of thought and it all goes to hell after that.

It's so weird to think that someone might even be reading this but if one person can relate that makes me feel better. It seems like no one understands and at least tgis way I don't have to see the confused or bored stares. :)

Still it feels good to have a safe haven to let it all out........